tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46056915784312856242012-02-01T23:56:07.801-05:00A crazy AfricanNativeScottishIrishPuertoRicanSpanish American chick writes about everything that passes through her head. And sometimes she takes photographs/paints/draws/designs stuff, too.The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.comBlogger8021100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-18733820357590875612012-02-01T23:45:00.000-05:002012-02-01T23:45:29.445-05:00

...in case you missed it the last four years... I still hate Black History Month. You can follow the link to read a post I wrote four years ago, if you care to. A lot has changed since I wrote that post, both in America and in my life. America did elect her first brownskinned President in 232 years, and he is now up for re-election. I found out even more about my own personal American history.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-8377344591572088112011-10-19T12:14:00.000-04:002011-10-19T12:14:22.965-04:00

...had a profound effect on me as a high school freshman. My parents purposely took me out of the country in '67, after Malcolm X was shot. The intent was to go to Africa, but after spending time in France to learn French we ended up in Jamaica the winter of 68-69. There were many reasons to go to Jamaica rather than Africa, but a major reason we went to a tropical location was because I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-49571895700877890342011-10-05T23:09:00.000-04:002011-10-06T00:58:48.412-04:00

...and other incoherent musings on what pisses me off about Occupy Wall Street... *I'm paraphrasing my grandfather here, who's actual quote was "The Black Man won't believe it till the white man says it's so". I've been wrestling with what to say for about a year now, long before this Occupation. And, for the most part, I'm happy that the REAL issues facing the everyday Joe and Jane are

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-67515459500063466832011-09-11T06:05:00.000-04:002011-09-11T06:05:11.234-04:00

I'd said I wasn't going to do this, and here I am adding to the rehash. But I realized, looking over this blog, I don't think I ever really wrote about 9/11. Not in depth. And I also realized that as many pictures as I have taken in my life... easily in the 50,000 range, I took no pictures that day. Not one. And I could see the smoke across the bay from City Island... I even went down to Ground

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-61117625902068854832011-09-10T00:44:00.000-04:002011-09-10T00:44:42.799-04:00

...lately I miss it a lot. I poke around blogworld and it's interesting to see who writes, still. Most people, including me, like the interaction of FB or the shortness of Twitter. I haven't gotten into Twitter..... I think the people worth following are witty and I'm not that witty. I can be funny, but I'm not witty. I do have a "Tumblr". It took me a long while to get to Tumblr. But what I like

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-14960320313181780892011-07-01T17:37:00.000-04:002011-07-01T17:37:42.288-04:00

...I wanted to start writing every day again, but that has proved unwieldy. We're still settling. Worse, my roommate still isn't in the place, a fact that was really upsetting me until I decided to look at it like this: I'm being paid $2250 a month to help someone sort through 15 years of boxes, and relocate to a smaller place. When I look at it like that, I don't feel so bad, cuz really, sorting

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-59960679920150165952011-05-03T09:16:00.001-04:002011-05-03T09:16:50.708-04:00

is back in town. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-32578701942597481532011-04-22T20:59:00.001-04:002011-04-22T20:59:32.413-04:00

...is way too trendy for my taste but it sure looks cool...Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-88536883701457383692011-04-21T13:51:00.001-04:002011-04-21T13:51:24.735-04:00

...is about as strange and "small town" as the Rock I am leaving...Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-62392563459502294492011-04-18T20:10:00.001-04:002011-04-18T20:10:58.533-04:00

...when I go... ...the Rock has been good living the last 15 years, but it's time to go. It was a great place for a small boy but it's not such a great place for older boys. Boredom and isolation tends to breed random acts of stupidity, and I hope that the Sun will have better access to things by being closer to them. I will miss small town living, sea breezes and beaches within walking

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-82798545775488323752011-04-14T17:54:00.001-04:002011-04-14T17:54:46.685-04:00

...ordinary things in a different way. ...the ceiling of the subway station at 96th street...Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-24837112529895712852011-04-13T21:27:00.002-04:002011-04-15T02:00:35.589-04:00

...sitting on a subway train. Notice how much room the man takes up... An every day thing, and a most annoying fact of subway life. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-9253114142939578552011-04-11T09:47:00.001-04:002011-04-11T09:48:00.218-04:00

...waiting for the world to start up... Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-13270075505471575182011-04-10T21:35:00.002-04:002011-04-11T18:35:57.111-04:00

...finally... Although it damn sure doesn't feel like it. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-7738756387282130692011-04-09T15:10:00.002-04:002011-04-11T18:35:29.547-04:00

...how long these water towers will continue to be part of the New York skyline... ...sad... Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-72906713479367490622011-04-09T01:39:00.002-04:002011-04-15T02:01:15.043-04:00

... of that cool fuzzy feeling is I don't like the fuzzy after effects of drugs. That little bit of codeine had me fuzzed over the entire next day. But I guess that's why once you take drugs you keep taking drugs... to get rid of the fuzzy after feeling. My back still hurts. But it's sort of localized in one place so either I have some kind of kidney pain or a pinched nerve. Cuz it's not

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-36935196662217379192011-04-05T01:50:00.001-04:002011-04-05T01:50:04.765-04:00

...the drug thing. Sometimes you just want it to stop. Just want to stop being annoyed, or stressed, don't want to feel any pain, don't want to be mad. Don't want to feel the world pressing against you, don't want to feel the weight of people's issues pushing into your mind. Don't want to hear the voices chattering.... just for a little while. Sometimes you crave being comfortably numb...

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-27032158200797037032011-04-04T01:06:00.000-04:002011-04-04T01:06:59.831-04:00

...of sorts. Not quite sure how this is all going to work out, and a little concerned because nothing is moving even though we now have a key. BigMan met the super last Thursday and picked up the key for us. When I went to meet him in the spot, his face told me he wasn't too happy with the place, a fact which freaked me out for a few hours. Till I remembered that day about two weeks ago when I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-58737361012545976412011-04-02T14:32:00.001-04:002011-04-02T14:32:28.724-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-68053992841680270492011-04-02T14:24:00.001-04:002011-04-02T14:24:58.508-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-81987744379973864792011-03-30T12:41:00.003-04:002011-03-30T13:00:40.273-04:00

...slowly. Quite a few "false starts" and unexpected reboots. Uninstalling unnecessary "programs" and apps... updating or deleting drivers.... another system hang.... a dump...Turn the thing off and turn it back on again, try again.Amusing to me that I still remember the steps of troubleshooting a faulty machine but have NO desire to do so. I turn it over to BigMan when the machines act stupid.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-62873028667133427592011-03-28T01:54:00.003-04:002011-03-28T02:01:28.391-04:00

...it's gonna be a bumpy ride through the teenage years. My cute pleasant little boy is smelling his balls. The hair on his lip is unmistakable, and the hair on his face is coming in. His voice is deeper still. He likes being a bigboy but he's having trouble with the thought of a beard.And he's not getting along with his father.At all.And his father doesn't help.Now, granted, BD was never one to

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-28025424072612262772011-03-27T02:53:00.002-04:002011-03-27T04:10:40.342-04:00

and I am still in transition, still rebooting. I have been out of my home almost 3 months. I'm not any more comfortable... but I'm not any less comfortable.I wish that I had had the mindsight to write every day, to tell bit by bit what is happening... but there has been so much. And I wonder, if and when this is all settled, if I'll ever be able to reconstruct it all.I'm about to move into a new

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-83592695512688679972011-02-09T01:06:00.004-05:002011-02-09T01:38:12.349-05:00

Sometimes in life you do get a "do-over". The thing is, you think it's going to be a cool, useful thing and that you get to go back and fix all the wrongs.But actually what happens is first a "blue screen of death".... (hell)things freeze over, shit does a memory dump and the screen goes black. And then you have to reboot... restart. And really it kinda sucks. You may come back up first in "

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-81984471236001553072011-01-05T11:24:00.004-05:002011-01-05T11:34:54.175-05:00

...never say "I'll never do that" or "that will never happen to me..." cuz experience has taught me--continually teaches me that the one thing you say you'll never do is the thing that ends up happening. And then you are faced with a decision about how to handle it.This of course brings up all sorts of moral debates in oneself, if you are any kind of humane person... take the high road? Go for

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-27580315830745838232010-12-15T10:24:00.001-05:002010-12-15T10:24:47.417-05:00

publish from my phone? That would be a revelation...Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-25797029851444861012010-11-20T15:57:00.003-05:002010-11-20T16:20:46.560-05:00

....can be very very hard sometimes.Like really hard.You wonder: am I crazy? Stubborn? Fucked up? Is my thinking off? Why am I doing this?Keeping the faith is not hard because of God. If you believe in God... if you really listen, really open your eyes, you see the little signs that tell you that faith is real, that you will be OK. God will provide.But then the devil starts talking. Telling you

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-2938550832791907722010-10-19T11:47:00.004-04:002010-10-19T12:18:41.134-04:00

which is kinda nice.I've had folk contact me and ask me why I'm not writing.Mainly because my day is just too goddamn long... and by they time I sit down to write I'm falling asleep. Which kinda sucks... cuz I've got all kinds of things to ruminate on......the new rash of gaybullying which annoys me because at it's core, the fundamental issue is bullying in general. I'm annoyed that gays are

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-56408373467212162522010-09-10T14:35:00.003-04:002010-09-10T15:31:12.334-04:00

Growing up, Poppy talked to us a lot about choice. A deeply spiritual man, he told us often that what separated us from animals was the unique combination of opposable thumbs, big toes and free will. We are similar to many other animals... to pigs in our inner anatomy, and to apes in our physiology, but no other animal but the human one has all three things... and the greatest of the three may

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-35245357541192277812010-08-30T06:41:00.003-04:002010-08-30T07:55:40.120-04:00

...every day, bit by bit, discovering new things, new reasons to love. Like those Russian eggs... painted beautifully on the outside. And then you realize there's a different beautiful egg inside that, and inside that and finally the smallest red egg on the inside, so small it only has room for a few designs. It doesn't matter that it's so small and plainer than the rest... you know it's the

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-35634770099204814742010-08-12T03:41:00.003-04:002010-08-12T04:00:18.531-04:00

....long periods of not writing and it sucks. But there's just too much going on. And not enough money to do it with.The new school year is approaching. I'm still trying to get a handle on my Sun's violin program and how to help it live another day. I'm fed up with people and their issues and halftruths and personal agendas. I'm worried for my sister, who's honesty and integrity prevents her from

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-55968977301112470012010-07-30T02:18:00.004-04:002010-08-08T00:56:36.062-04:00

...in Perfect Harmony....remember that Coke commercial? The original one, I mean. And the song?The Sun is in String Camp this week. It's been a struggle. Coming right off the trip to Peru we're both a little burned out and suffering from some Traveler's Tummy issues. Not bad, but seriously uncomfortable right after we eat anything. I'm a little closer to better than he is, since mine started

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-40594859393698114672010-07-27T00:55:00.003-04:002010-07-27T01:43:09.324-04:00

...is what I wish folk would do sometimes when I tell them something. Just listen. Think about it.Trust me.Which of course no one does, and why should they? People are liars, and self-serving. The minute someone says "trust me" I immediately don't. So I can't blame them.But they should consider what I say because I'm not always right, but frequently I am.I had a dream on the plane coming back

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-82763056700133114192010-07-20T17:43:00.005-04:002010-07-20T18:39:02.417-04:00

... mucho.But I am glad I live where I do now, though I could almost almost live here. Almost.In funny ways it reminds me of Jamaica, of Bull Bay in particular. Bull Bay in spanish.Lima, where we have spent most of our time with the exception of the 18 hours plus travel we spent in Chincha, is a strange mix of old and new, efficient and inefficient.There are lovely old homes and incredibly

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-42074487844708488972010-07-15T04:15:00.001-04:002010-07-15T04:17:01.820-04:00

Two years ago, just about this time I boarded a plane to fairyland with a man I knew would break my heart. I had a great time, came back and crashlanded in hell, and survived.Two days ago I boarded a plane to an unknown land with my Sun, leaving my heart behind with a man I love and trust with my heart. Two days in, it's been quite an experience and I know when I get back home to my heart with my

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-15372617332450002632010-07-08T13:20:00.000-04:002010-07-08T13:27:45.231-04:00

...next Tuesday.I spend my days in a fog of freakout moments... scraping together dust to pay the communications bill, dealing with Con Ed, getting PP to pay the cell phone without guilt because he's not paying child support. I wrote a two page letter to my landlord acknowledging I owe them over $11,000 and begging them not to evict me while I'm Peru. I had to tell them I was going... The Rock is

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-63723940417048422862010-07-03T21:18:00.003-04:002010-07-03T22:08:09.605-04:00

...maybe I'm starting again. In a way I am.Seven years of my Sun's and my life intertwined in a place and a time we are no longer an everyday part of...It was his journey, really... I was just along for the ride; the Guardian, the Keeper of his flame. But along the way I ran into my own (mis)adventures and towards the end I had to remind myself it was his story, not mine... and that my issues

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-35625461344033217892010-06-30T03:14:00.001-04:002010-06-30T04:26:32.738-04:00

...this post is. Since December, I guess? And I've been debating this a long time, mulling it over, keeping it in, trying to be understanding, giving my self space to figure it out, trying to overcome it. But it's been festering. A bloody gaping wound gone gangrenous.I'm good for a letter or an email to someone I care about, if something they've done has upset me. If I'm REALLY upset and I REALLY

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-48153515279962915302010-06-22T01:56:00.006-04:002010-06-22T04:06:32.827-04:00

...my Sun, who is just about my height/soon-to-be-taller, graduates elementary school today. He is eleven years old. For most of it, it's been him and me. For seven years, we've taken the hour-long commute in the mornings, giggling and telling stories, or eating breakfast, or arguing over undone chores/lost bus passes/missing homework, doing homework or sleeping. When he was very little he used

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-73356849657871494122010-06-10T04:01:00.003-04:002010-06-10T04:34:12.438-04:00

my patience for human beings is insanely thin.I'm not quite sure why that is. Though I have a few suspicions.One thing is that sometimes seeing every one's issues that they can't see themselves really really makes me crazy. It's a curse. I wish I could shut it off, but I can't. The problem is, I have a lot of empathy for people and their issues, provided they are trying to do something about them

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-63156201908475182252010-05-29T17:20:00.003-04:002010-05-29T18:30:44.237-04:00

...for the first time in a while I'm by myself. And there's a bunch of stuff I SHOULD be doing, but I've done absolutely nothing. But then again, it IS the Sabbath, and when I was a kid I did nothing on this day anyhow. I guess the body gets used to things like that, even though we think we've given them up. My body, my psyche, is used to being quiet on Saturday, and even though I've gotten out

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-19382195279005103822010-05-22T17:24:00.003-04:002010-05-22T17:57:39.561-04:00

early this morning in which I had cornered the Scrub someplace and told him exactly why I was pissed off at him. Why he hurt me. In the dream, I told him I realized I was not so special to him. That what he'd done to me, he'd done to people in his life more important to him than me. I knew that my pain didn't make me special.In my dream I could sense his distance, that me telling him these things

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-38554078418190957472010-05-22T17:10:00.001-04:002010-05-22T17:11:44.255-04:00

There's just so much going on. And I'm not writing for lack of shit to say... just lack of time. My time being taken up with the Sun and his various musical activities, BigMan, the Fam, my own disorganization...Overall, I'm happy. Fat and happy and my heel spurs hurt like hell. But I'm broker than I was the last time I complained. In fact, the landlord's son knocked on my door today, and I showed

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-50207384761169026372010-04-14T01:41:00.004-04:002010-04-14T02:18:38.421-04:00

... to put something down, to make the time. It's been a week already.Kinda sucks that all I have time to write is just what's going on... no time for pithy meanderings through the Swiss cheese tunnels in my head. No time to separate the Voices and let them free.I am particularly unfocused these days... and it's not like I don't have a plethora of things to tackle... all of them fun for me, but I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-78414507324044612702010-04-08T02:55:00.003-04:002010-04-08T03:50:18.145-04:00

...and I struggle with it all.On the whole, life is good. I love BigMan. Openly, freely, unashamedly. I trust him with my life, my passwords, my coffee, my kid. My heart. Every so often, the little thoughts creep in... how very sad I'd be if something happened and it all fell apart, how much I'd miss him, his friendship, his calm, his rational. But I don't think he's going anywhere... it feels

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-39179525853632944672010-04-01T03:27:00.004-04:002010-04-01T03:37:50.838-04:00

My little Pixi now takes video. Which is good cuz I've always wanted to tape the music I see in the subway.So here's some clips:This was the first one I got to tape, a doo wop group on 77th street. A drummer and a guitarist got on the downtown IRT#6 train, and performed a rendition of Bob Marley's "Every little ting gonna be alright".

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-35518137100405160232010-04-01T03:01:00.002-04:002010-04-01T03:27:41.781-04:00

with a former friend/flame... the Cricket to be exact. I'm a stickler for details. Even when I break promises--usually due to my just being unfocused and taking on too much... those broken promises haunt me. I try to make them right. Or at least I delude myself into thinking one day I'll make it right.But they don't seem to haunt other people. And they don't seem to be bothering him.Not sure what

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-42766753137666386222010-03-24T12:58:00.004-04:002010-03-24T21:51:22.775-04:00

Haven't really ranted in a minute. Not for a lack of having things to rant about. But I guess it's true what they say about having regular sex; it gets that contentment hormone going and you can more readily let things slide.There's a lot of stuff that REALLY pisses me off: fairweather friends; selfishness; people who are cruel to small children; anyone who threatens or hurts someone I love; folk

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-71742706481030058032010-03-23T02:51:00.002-04:002010-03-23T03:13:31.674-04:00

...about contentment is... you end up not having a lot to say.Art suffers with contentment. Our angst inspires us to vent, create, strive to let out all those feelings churning inside.Contentment leads to fat. As in belly. Contentment doesn't really make you want to do much other than be content.So I haven't had much to say. Well, not true really. My mind is constantly turning stuff over, but

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-34096759688220305492010-02-22T03:27:00.003-05:002010-03-24T22:33:53.644-04:00

...officially. I turned 45 the other day, Thursday.Forty-Fucking-Five.Most of the time, I don't mind. I like my wisdom, my maturity, my understanding. I've learned tons. Except for the "no money" part, I love the hell out of my life, my kid, my two men. One takes care of my heart and soul, the other takes care of our child, and contributes to our living. Who'da thunk it. That life would be like

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-70246918227471801172010-02-09T01:10:00.002-05:002010-02-09T01:24:58.788-05:00

cuz everyone's talking about love. All different kinds of love. Lovers. Parents. Friends. And so I'll join in the fray.I've actually been thinking about it awhile anyhow.Of course a lot has to do with the BigMan, but some of it doesn't. My mind travels in circles, orbiting a thought, and so I often revisit the same thought but from different distances. It looks different from every side. Almost

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-78862792672101177592010-02-01T14:05:00.005-05:002010-02-01T15:52:24.616-05:00

is a concept that fascinates me.It has always fascinated me... maybe because I have these "snapshots" in my head of a person or a time and that basic picture will stay with me, even though time alters it, or time places other snapshots over the first one... but there are certain memories that remain frozen for me, posed, almost... no matter how much time passes:- the dead kitty in the doorway the

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-38722645055795071612010-01-23T13:15:00.002-05:002010-01-23T13:44:01.850-05:00

...last night to try to let things "be". To not get upset about things I "saw"... I remembered there had been a time where I was good at this. At not letting things get to me. I guess it's because there's so much going on in my own life now,that I can't "see"clearly. I can't "see" my own shit. So I get up tight when I can see other people's stuff and they won't let me tell them about it. I feel

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-73026805499883648592010-01-22T02:06:00.002-05:002010-01-22T02:59:45.476-05:00

...I am, kind of like spicy cayenne peanuts or something. I have my issues. But my issues are very clear. I've worked hard to make them clear. I continue to work hard to make them clear, and when something pisses me off, I allow myself the time to sort through everything so that I can say exactly what has pissed me off.So after waiting for BigMan to call--which he didn't--I picked up the phone

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-70076726017068208942010-01-16T04:25:00.000-05:002010-01-16T04:27:16.452-05:00

... I am, with BigMan's BestGirl. I'm really not the paranoid type, but I can sense when folks aren't feeling me. And I don't think she's feeling me. Consequently, I'm not feeling her AT ALL. Little bullshit... but I'm starting to feel like I've been around a little longer than she's used to, and I feel a slight play for power and control.On top of that, there are moments when I feel that BigMan

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-61464370839210366292010-01-14T01:34:00.004-05:002010-01-14T02:07:47.561-05:00

...I do venture out of my head and my own issues enough to care about the world around me and what happens in it.I don't have TV now, at all. And radio sucks so I mostly don't listen. I only have time and money for the free paper and so totally missed Haiti's earthquake until well after the news has broken.Today I watched the reports on CNN.com and MSNBC.com, and was reminded of Katrina. I am

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-53724028555239961122010-01-09T03:36:00.003-05:002010-01-09T04:07:44.217-05:00

...I don't want any friends. Male or female. Because it means you need to trust someone. And right when you get to trusting, somebody decides that their needs supersede yours. Or that at that moment you're not that important, compared to them and their needs. It takes great feats of strength to love freely, to give freely. And most times it's OK, but sometimes you're tired. Or frustrated.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-57541550352764687332010-01-04T01:23:00.006-05:002010-01-04T02:22:17.259-05:00

...I've settled into this week. Gotten very used to the BigMan being here. Sort of a love/hate thing, too. It's weird. On the one hand I like it. When he's working on something and I'm working on something, generally our backs are to each other cuz of the set-up, and we can get lost in our own world. But I like being able to turn around and say "hey, babe, what do you think of this?" and I like

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-52103891389033788092010-01-02T02:16:00.005-05:002010-01-02T03:06:50.678-05:00

and just a quickie at that.I had a bunionectomy the Monday before Christmas. Basically what that means is they shave the bump off your big toe, cut a cone out and straighten the toe out, holding it with a pin till everything "Sets".Initially it didn't hurt much. Then it did. But mostly there's just weird feelings. Till I went for my one week check up on New Years Eve. Then I realized the pin is

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-52348451809584492792009-12-19T22:17:00.003-05:002009-12-19T23:04:23.946-05:00

...but I think I may have Fallen. Again. Admittedly, I fall easy; it doesn't take a whole lot. Really somebody just needs to be genuinely nice to me and there I go...the difference is this time it seems to be mutual. I was thinking about it this afternoon, on my way back to the Rock from his house where I stayed over. The last time I felt this comfortably warm about anyone was in Las Vegas. And

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-88058382739916390472009-12-18T13:10:00.000-05:002009-12-18T13:11:12.925-05:00

When I started this blog in 2007, at first it just started as a way to tell stories, then a way to explore my past, then a way to explore my crazy and shut the Voices down... now it's kind of an old friend. People still read... not as much as at my peak, but it's OK. I looked at my stats when I logged in just now and I've got over 740 posts here, and have been writing pretty consistently for

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-45144974838738049792009-12-15T03:00:00.002-05:002009-12-15T03:14:26.843-05:00

my ex-best-friend and I were thicker than thieves... like Fric and Frac. We did everything together, went everywhere. She was definitely the more dominant one in the relationship which was fine by me at the time. She had a pretty big ego, which was OK cuz she had reason to be; 6 ft and blue-eyed, blonde (dyed but it suited her) and sang her ass off. She was secretly involved with a married man,

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-38081109540318609302009-12-13T23:55:00.003-05:002009-12-14T01:56:48.996-05:00

...that I'm a profoundly lazy bitch.It's almost a week since the BigBurn, and my emotions have settled from a raging fire to hot coals. The more I mull shit over in my head, the more focused I've become on exactly where I hurt, and exactly where I'm pissed the fuck off. Scabs are a wonderful thing and I've a thick crusty one going; underneath it's painful, but I can deal. It's not oozing and

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-11026986932356562622009-12-12T05:10:00.002-05:002009-12-12T06:30:35.317-05:00

...one thing I'm sure of, after almost 45 years on this earth, is if it smells like bullshit, it IS bullshit. You can dress it up or down, serve it hot on a plate, cold in a salad, garnish it with flowers or throw it at somebody or call it fertilizer, but it'll still be bullshit. And since I'm a pretty good bullshitter, with a sister who possess an MSW, it's even easier for me to spot it when I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-6903600429463577932009-12-08T23:50:00.001-05:002009-12-09T00:05:13.726-05:00

is settling in my gut. It's sort of noteworthy cuz I haven't felt it in a while.What happened yesterday is still lingering, still stinging. There's a myth about the 5 Stages of Grief: it's widely cited but I remember reading somewhere that the person who is attributed to this said that it's not quite that simple. They don't happen in succession, rather they happen simultaneously. With some other

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-66950388256941048842009-12-08T02:54:00.001-05:002009-12-08T02:57:43.861-05:00

...you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.... -"Nature Boy" written by Eden AhbezThe Big L word had come up in conversation a few times, with the BigMan joking that I should just go ahead and say it. I told him he'd need to say it first; I was done being the first.We went back and forth jokingly a few times, and then last week he asked me again. In my heart, I knew

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-90446507542108095862009-12-01T12:45:00.001-05:002009-12-01T13:00:08.059-05:00

...this relationship thing. At least lately, I've felt like I do.I'm a dork, I guess, for it having taken me so long to realize it. Or maybe because I grew up in a family where the relationship between my parents worked pretty well, I took for granted how it works, assumed that it was all the work that made it that easy. I knew about the work and compromise... at least my parents always told me

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-88788968090168620472009-11-12T13:00:00.006-05:002009-11-12T13:49:04.651-05:00

Lately, I've been too busy living La Vida Low Budget to really deal with the world around me.But it's funny how things work; I can't afford my satellite subscription, and so on Sunday afternoon previous my TV went dead. What sucks about satellite is when your service is down you can't even get local channels, the cheap fuckers. So I have no idea of what's going on in the world on a daily basis,

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-73413207714474465922009-11-09T23:34:00.003-05:002009-11-10T03:15:12.198-05:00

I never went back to Welfare. Fuck that. And I'm not answering the phone. I need to write my landlord a letter and tell her look I'm sorry... I just don't have it.And I need to figure something out. I applied to two jobs at an ad agency I've ALWAYS wanted to work at. No response, other than "your application was submitted". Fuckers.Then my printer died. Right in the middle of printing my picture

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-16483253085245461702009-11-06T16:40:00.000-05:002009-11-06T16:47:44.999-05:00

Einstein was a fucking genius. Yes, I know the world knows that already. He's famous for it.But seriously, think about it. Who in the hell comes up with shit like the theory of relativity? What was he smoking? And is there any left?The simplest version of any kind of an explanation that I found was this: "Special Relativity says that every person has their own time. One person's clock says

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-64587770806461850232009-10-17T12:45:00.001-04:002009-10-17T12:51:21.389-04:00

...Women Are Like Spaghettii..." is a statement that changed my life. I don't think I read the whole book but I read enough excerpts different places to get the gist of it, and I agree completely.Particularly since my mind is a a huge bowl of spaghetti.I actually started this post two weeks ago and didn't get to finish because my life is so jampacked there's not a whole lot I can do at one time.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-606129344825172522009-10-16T22:00:00.000-04:002009-10-16T22:07:31.539-04:00

...two weeks. OVER two weeks and I haven't written. That sucks. I saw LilacBlue today and she told me it wasn't good for my mental health not to write.It isn't. Though my mental health has really been pretty good.My major malfunction was needing a groundwire. And I have that, now. And even though the rest of my life is perilously close to a complete wipeout, my mental health is pretty OK. Except

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-45984811169835361742009-09-30T01:00:00.001-04:002009-09-30T01:02:08.698-04:00

flying faster than a speeding bullet.The downside to being "in a relationship" is it eats up a lot of time. And for someone who isn't great on time management to begin with, I have even less time to write.Some highlights from the week that was (or lowlights in some cases):My dear friend Shoefly was diagnosed with a serious and chronic, though not-particularly-fatal health condition. It was

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-86099669752353733262009-09-22T13:52:00.008-04:002009-09-23T01:06:41.778-04:00

...for I have sinned. It's been over a week since my last post.Well, I haven't sinned, actually. I've been really good. I'm sort of getting into the swing of a relationship, integrating that part of my life into the everyday of my life. It's hard. Men take up a lot of time... so between that and my Sun I haven't seen much of my friends which sort of pissed CNC off a little. Or rather gave her a

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-61229061103784550062009-09-14T02:50:00.003-04:002009-09-14T03:11:14.533-04:00

and not enough.Having one of those times when there's too much going on and not enough time to write.Some good, some interesting, some sad...I'm back to thinking there's very few people in the world I can actually tolerate. Much like I'm sure there are very few people in the world who can tolerate me. And so I should value the ones that do. And let the rest of them kiss my ass.But the end result

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-33526429386569509852009-09-07T03:40:00.004-04:002009-09-07T03:49:49.426-04:00

...the BigMan has been here several days straight. I don't get the time alone to write. He said I'll miss him when he goes home... when school starts.I'm not sure I will.I like him, I do. I'm grateful for the love, for the things he does, the care he takes.I saw Cricket the other day... sat beside him outside his job while I picked up shirts from him. I think he was relieved I'm dating someone...

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-44047535121523950582009-09-02T12:09:00.000-04:002009-09-02T12:09:50.195-04:00

...life is.Last Friday I went with my friend the BigMan to the place he's been taking pictures (cuz that's what he does). I was tired and behind myself anyhow... but I like going cuz I've gotten some great photos myself.At about 9P the Professor called to tell me they were taking Poppy to the ER. My heart sank. It seems he'd lost all his short term memory and was acting vague. Once she got to the

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-40567516421437742962009-08-27T03:35:00.004-04:002009-08-27T04:33:15.120-04:00

It's been an interesting week. Mostly filled by The One I Refuse to Call Big Papa. But I still can't think of a better name.I still don't miss him when he's not around. But I'm getting used to being around him.And I am amazed... like shake-my-head-at-myself-amazed that I feel toward him the way many men must have felt towards me. I am reluctant to define what we're doing as a "relationship." I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-87625670131155671752009-08-21T13:38:00.000-04:002009-08-21T13:39:31.701-04:00

... how I'm feeling about NewDate. I can't even come up with a good name for him. I like him. I'm comfortable around him and confident in his respect for me... but I have not been swept away by desire for him and I'm not even sure I miss him when I'm not around him. But I'm glad to see him when I do.The other day, Monday, was the first time I actually got annoyed with him. I had to meet a HSPeep

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-83100956880750810542009-08-16T11:41:00.003-04:002009-08-16T11:58:59.553-04:00

... I don't have it all figured out or clear but I know one thing for sure:dating sucks and I hate it.I realized the other day that I don't think I've ever gone out with or developed a relationship with someone I met out of the blue. I've always either met someone through a friend and hung out for a bit, or worked with them, or went to school with them. So this thing with NewDate is making me

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-76697949206285685432009-08-15T14:29:00.003-04:002009-08-15T14:58:03.108-04:00

... the week flew by.I've mostly been in, trying and failing to accomplish things, but then I've been out, too.Spending some time with the NewDate.Word to the wise: Be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it. You just might have something placed in your path that's all those things you said you wanted. Like God is challenging you: "Now what!? What!? Watchu gonna do!? Huh?"And then

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-29711721209624805732009-08-11T19:22:00.004-04:002009-08-11T19:48:28.498-04:00

...for small miracles.I get $131 dollars a month in food stamps (it was about $120 until Obama increased it... that was the first miracle) and usually they're gone in one sitting. So I hate going to the local supermarket out on the Rock cuz the prices are a little higher than they are off-Rock and I get more for my money that way.I was sitting around trying to figure out the order of the day,

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-64944092087968741932009-08-10T23:10:00.000-04:002009-08-11T05:42:39.379-04:00

...I wonder from how far pheromones can be detected. Cuz that thing about "when it rains it pours".....and I'm not bragging about the shit cuz experience has taught me that as rainy as the rainy season can get is as dry as the desert the drought can be. So my intention at this moment is to obtain the object of my desire. My Ultimate Objective.On Saturday the Sun wanted to come home. He missed me.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-27371613132560873612009-08-08T14:00:00.002-04:002009-08-08T15:20:06.880-04:00

...what have we here...a date.I never date. For a variety of reasons... 98% of the time it's a complete waste of time and I truly don't see the point. Particularly since it's very hard for me to get out of the house so when I do, I want it to be good.But I met someone a few weeks ago, sort of random-like as he was hanging out with my crazy friend and he had a very calm energy, despite the fact

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-21460172798362480252009-08-05T02:26:00.004-04:002009-08-05T04:08:40.992-04:00

...doesn't mean "inactivity". Especially not in my case.It usually means there's so much rattling around in my head I haven't been able to distill it enough to get it into words. So I've been "silent" since July 31 but it's because I needed to breathe.Jay Smooth over at Illdoctrine has this exercise he does--"The Morning Pages"--based on Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way." He was trying to do it

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-11146223123670605512009-07-31T23:59:00.000-04:002009-08-01T04:42:52.253-04:00

...some days it was certainly harder than other days, but I did it. I actually posted something here every day for a month.Whether that momentum can--or shall--continue, I dunno.I didn't get to bed till an ungodly hour last night. At the last minute I'd updated my Crackbook Status to say that I should go to sleep except I hated dreaming. Really I just hate sleeping alone period, but I won't

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-17836209596844406082009-07-30T23:59:00.002-04:002009-07-31T02:37:43.890-04:00

...where ordinarily I wouldn't write except I am bound to, by that "write every day for a month" thing...It's SD's birthday today...I overslept and wouldn't have woke up except the Professor called to say she was stuck behind the bridge and that she was on the way to get Poppy's walker. I dressed in a hurry, as did the Sun and she nicely drove us into the City since she was going that way...There

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-3880884205567115072009-07-29T23:59:00.001-04:002009-07-30T04:07:15.795-04:00

....this writing every day thing.It's quite a commitment. But I am learning some interesting things. Like there's stuff I want to write but it take more than a day to clarify it in my head... and then I get tired and realize I just have to write SOMETHING but I don't have the wherewithal to go in depth.Today was an interesting day. I spent the day with the Sun in String Camp. First off... it's

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-27032547907545746772009-07-28T23:37:00.005-04:002009-07-29T05:02:11.111-04:00

I said this to someone on FB... white dude, and he came back with some crap about how that's such a fatalistic view and at least he doesn't blablahblah. Something indicating he was better than me and more forgiving or something. I stopped responding to him; refused to acknowledge any of his comments. Anything I said was going to add to his fire. All this was in response to a blogpost I shared,

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-10557739376797465392009-07-27T23:59:00.004-04:002009-07-28T03:51:56.306-04:00

because it gets to be work. Like today I'm tired, it's late--really late--but I said I'd post every day for a month and I will.Last time I tried this it was with drawing, and it was much harder than this and I failed. But I think I realized that part of it was not having anything to say artistically--or rather thinking that I didn't. Whereas, I can always think of something to write, even if it's

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-70415580888231159432009-07-26T23:59:00.003-04:002009-07-27T04:11:12.802-04:00

...with SD. Just way too much. And it's not like we're not getting along, because we are. And the Sun loves it, and it was a pleasant day but the longer it dragged on the more I felt like I was jumping out of my skin and I wanted to shoot myself.He came and picked us up to take us into the City to register the Sun for the Mark O'Connor String camp. And I'm not being ungrateful cuz it was so much

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-10280871314141900892009-07-25T23:59:00.001-04:002009-07-26T04:06:55.102-04:00

...the first pow wow Upstairs Neighbor had ever gone to.We all had a blast; WhiteClogs and her family cam which helped the Sun enjoy it all the more. And of course the Diva and Tiny One...But pow wow's tucker you out so I have to post later. Cuz I got rants... and photos!

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-19470744321375413802009-07-24T23:59:00.001-04:002009-07-25T03:23:57.005-04:00

...maybe. My apartment is a little neater and that makes me soooo happy.I hung out with WhiteHorse today. I like her. She made me laugh by telling me she's still trying to get used to me, figure out where I'm coming from. I told her I'm pretty simple, really...I was stressed getting to her... She's very methodical and wanted to leave for New Jersey shops at 9. I knew I wasn't going to make it. I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-88117161240051841842009-07-23T23:59:00.000-04:002009-07-24T04:19:32.251-04:00

for good--SD's dad.Now that the reality is here, I wonder how it's gonna play out.I realized yesterday I really don't care about him; couldn't recall the last time he was here, or anything. The Sun however, was beside himself. He chattered on incessantly the day before, and then he couldn't sleep. I forgot... I forgot he was excited.SD took us out to breakfast and I sat there watching them. He's

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-29026999349166634952009-07-22T23:50:00.005-04:002009-07-23T13:23:14.248-04:00

...to start cleaning up this mess. To the detriment of everything else. But I couldn't think. So the piles in my living room have largely been reduced to three, I got my desk together, rearranged the printer and scanner, mopped, vacuumed, vacuumed and mopped, found stuff, threw stuff out. Made quite a dent.I'm exhausted. SD came in today, home for good. I hope it remains peaceful.Cricket and I

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-55717995984554905732009-07-21T23:59:00.000-04:002009-07-22T02:34:35.242-04:00

...when nobody's listening:C: "I like him. But he keeps saying I'm cute. I'm tired of fucken bein' cute. Fuck! My ASS is cute! I want somebody to tell me I'm HAWT, dammit. That they want to take me home and fuck me doggy-style!"M: "BWAHAH HAHA HAHAHAH. OK, Puta. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later. Love you."C: "Bye, bitch, love you."About 5 minutes later, phone rings:M: "Hello?"C: "I forgot to

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-22883853289242211112009-07-20T23:59:00.001-04:002009-07-21T02:42:12.500-04:00

...I've decided.So as I mentioned Cricket and I had a text conversation the other day and I felt better, but then you know there are those things that are said that kind of stick with you, and the more you think about it the more you go "heeeeyy.... waitaminute..."Then I got pissed off all over again. And I ALMOST direct-quoted a text (see, that is the beauty of texted conversations... you get

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-91177609822228694372009-07-19T23:49:00.003-04:002009-07-20T00:10:53.433-04:00

...from yourself.I woke up realizing something this morning: all that toying with the Scrub was only a distraction from being fucked up over the Cricket. And it wasn't working for me, largely because the Scrub only plays his own game on his own time, which was doing absolutely nothing for me.And the fact is I missed my friend. I missed the other stuff, too... but I missed the constant chatter.

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-28280380773361300962009-07-18T23:59:00.000-04:002009-07-19T05:19:25.720-04:00

I missed a day of writing. Really, cuz I wasn't home.But I'm'a pretend I didn't...It was was nice to be in the city early in the day. Nice to be in the neighborhood of West 94th. There is such a different rhythm to the city. There is never really silence.Out here, to hear "silence" is to hear the occasional car pass by, birds chirping, quiet. In the city, there is a low, dull roar. Cars, air

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4605691578431285624.post-20536908189808606832009-07-17T19:00:00.002-04:002009-07-17T19:12:00.184-04:00

...really. I realized today people probably think there's something really wrong with me.But I have learned 'tis far far better to let my Hell out than to keep it in. I mean, some of it I keep in, but most of it I let go. Which is why I'm usually pretty calm in person.But sometimes shit gets the best of me.This morning I woke up with THE WORST feeling of despair and stress... it was so

The Bear Maidenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08219416611385201896noreply@blogger.com0