Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Today I Force Myself

... to put something down, to make the time. It's been a week already.

Kinda sucks that all I have time to write is just what's going on... no time for pithy meanderings through the Swiss cheese tunnels in my head. No time to separate the Voices and let them free.

I am particularly unfocused these days... and it's not like I don't have a plethora of things to tackle... all of them fun for me, but I just can't grab a hold of anything.

But since I rambled on last week, maybe a good thing to ramble on is updates to the ramble.

The Scrub has thankfully receded from my thoughts. But the vividness of it all still sort of bothers me.

I'm guessing Cricket is having issues but I'm still mad at him... but I can't really do anything about it for a few days.

I'm anxiously awaiting my Federal Refund. Anxiously, because I owe so many people so much money I'm very afraid that someone is going to snatch it, the way they snatched BigMan's. He owed the State--the State came calling.

My sis wasn't "invited back" to her horrible job. I feel for her... the scenario reminded me very much of what happened to me at The Hospital. But she needed to be out. That place was toxic... And I always joke with her that like Cain and Abel, God favors her so I'm sure she'll be fine.

I... on the other hand...

Opus 118, founded by Roberta Guaspari, and who my Sun takes violin with and plays with the Ensemble, is in financial trouble. Funding has dried up. It doesn't help us AT ALL, that the much larger and older Harlem School of the Arts is folding, largely due to mismanagement. I'm kinda thing there was some mild skankiness at Opus about a year back... not by Roberta of course or the teachers. But I think some people got in and saw Opus as a business to be made glossy at the expense of what Opus was founded for... to enable Roberta to continue teaching violin in East Harlem. I think there were some folk in there who didn't really share the vision Roberta founded Opus on. But the core of who's left at Opus are die-hard... and Opus is smaller and "lighter" than HSA so I pray to God us parents and assorted friends can save her. Because Roberta needs to teach. My kid needs violin. It's his ticket to college... but it really has affected me.

It's funny, cuz I often fight the Sun for practice. And I finally got him to the place where he can find the joy:


video

I downloaded some sheet music for him from the song "Broken Arrow" by Nothing but Stringz... and he loved it and has been trying to work it out for two days. He can't quit violin now.... So if you haven't already and you have a dollar to throw in the pot (preferably more but whatever) please do so...

Lately I've been suffering from random bouts of physical insecurity, which is weird for me. Insecurity has never been one of my issues. But I am not at my best and BigMan gets to hang out with a lot of young, fairly dumb and attractive chicks. I sleep on none of them. I AM fairly certain I can outcook and outsex most of them... that's one very cool thing about being an OldBitch. OldBitches have skills. But I'm not diggin' the fact that I'm an OldFatBitch. And my feet hurt.

Though I went to the FootDoc today and he was most happy with the progress and the flexibility... so I can do more walking and physical stuff. Which is great cuz um, I need too.

And it's not that I DON'T trust BigMan. I just know chicks tend to get complacent and take men for granted and that's precisely when men go whoring. So I can't get complacent.

The Diva is working on her relationship still... all seems well for now. I saw her today and she reeks of cigarette smoke. I just tell her she's got to stop cuz it's all in her clothes, but that's not a judgment on her, just a fact. She took it as such. It's hard being an OldFatBitch but it's also hard to be a YoungChick, so I don't really envy her. It's hard growing up. Especially when you're growing a child at the same time...

Last Saturday the Sun and I went with Poppy to have lunch with "Carpenter Avenue Boys"... three guys he grew up with in the Bronx. It was great... four old men from very simple but very varied lives--three Italians and one BrownSkinned kid. It was great Poppy saw them because the piece that's scheduled to be in Harper's soon starts with them. And it made Poppy so happy. And I was happy to be there to take pictures:



So that's the update for now; I forced myself to write. Just to keep at it...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

YinYangGoodBadandUgly...

...and I struggle with it all.

On the whole, life is good. I love BigMan. Openly, freely, unashamedly. I trust him with my life, my passwords, my coffee, my kid. My heart. Every so often, the little thoughts creep in... how very sad I'd be if something happened and it all fell apart, how much I'd miss him, his friendship, his calm, his rational. But I don't think he's going anywhere... it feels like the real deal.

I was definitely falling previous to this past Sunday, but on Sunday he sealed his fate cuz he hung out with me, BigBear and Professor, MMB and her friend. And he drove. And it wasn't a "good" family day; the BearClan were particularly nasty and attitudenous. It was the kind of outing where had the Sun been around (he being in Cali with his dad) I would have turned and whispered to him "next time, we come by ourselves..." In fact, at one point BigMan stepped out of the car and both women jumped on me with claws and fangs and had BigMan not been coming right back I would have truly gotten out of the car and got on the subway and gone the fuck home.

"Deargod, please hurry" I texted him, but he was already on his way back to me. He handled and deflected, and didn't carry the 'tude with him and more importantly, defused me.

It was funny that my kid went off to Cali with his dad, and the very morning my kid left, his kid sailed in on a bus from PA, unannounced. And so whatever plans we had for unlimited and noisy sex in an empty apartment came to a screeching halt.

BigMan's boy is 16. A very silent and watchful 16. A struggling-with-major-decisions-16, but at least not a brooding or mean-16. The kid just doesn't talk. To his dad. At all. It bewilders BigMan and I feel for him. But the kid is actually pretty funny, and so very much like his father it's very amusing. They laugh at the same (strange) things. They have similar tart retorts. But they don't "get" each other at all... and so to ease the tension and hopefully make BigMan appear more human to his kid, I stuck around a lot. I actually like the kid... he just doesn't talk.

So it was a strange week. And I missed my boy. A lot. I missed him because I realized that in about six years, he'll go off to college and will be out partying and pimping and primping and hopefully priming himself to be an adult... and he won't call me. Or write or text. And I'm going to have to let him go and trust that he'll come back...

Despite the children, BigMan and I hung out a lot, went to a movie, walked around together, drove places in the Professor's car. It was a good week. So it was very strange to me that out of the blue I woke up one morning with very clear thoughts of the Scrub. I even had a dream about him in which I told him we'd NEVER be friends... and the dream stayed with me off and on for a day or two. It was weird because I've pretty much managed to put all that bullshit aside. Again. Despite some rather unwanted reminders. What was also strange was that previously, whenever I have clear thoughts of someone I'm compelled to reach out to them or at least have been confident that they were thinking of me too. And usually I took that to be a positive, welcomed the "visit." But this time, I don't think it's positive, and not particularly wanted. And I know I'm not crazy cuz usually when I have those very clear thoughts of someone it's because they ARE thinking about me, or my feeling about them is correct.

Case in point, the other morning I woke up feeling extremely sad, and I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. Then it dawned on me I'd dreamed about Shoefly, who's struggling with a very serious health issue that isn't going away as quickly as we'd all like. In my dream she was crying... Shoefly RARELY cries, at least that I've ever seen. The feeling was so strong I called her... twice. And I'm having serious phone phobias these days but I overcame them to call her. And it turned out last Friday she'd gone to the doctor and wasn't exactly happy with her visit. When I spoke to her she wasn't crying... but I know her well enough to know that certain things bother her more than other things and so I knew my feeling was correct...

and I don't talk much about Shoefly these days and I haven't seen much of her... but she's family and I love her to death and her health issues really worry and sadden me... I hope she licks them.

Anyway.

So yeah... an unease surrounded me about that other person, a low horrible feeling in my gut that alternately pisses me off and saddens me because I hate being right about shit I don't want to be right about, but there you go. And it bothers me that he has intruded on my thoughts. But I'm trying to get past it all... and the thing I realized is that ironically enough, BigMan is the Man the Scrub could smell like... there are enough similar traits--good traits... that I might have overlooked in BigMan had I not gone through that awful mess. And I realized that had the BigBurn not happened, I probably would have held on to some bullshit feelings and not allowed myself to fall for BigMan the way I have, but that doesn't excuse anything or make anything better. It's just life, is all. And the irony always amuses me...

Financially, I made some cash this month, but somehow I have less money than ever. Maybe because February was a short month and March is a long month but the FoodStamps ran out way quicker than normal. It sucks when your fridge is bare cuz you don't have money. I mean dumb shit like no sugar, or milk, or half-and-half or eggs. Things I need every day. Scraping together the last piece of codfish or the two franks and a can of beans. Being broke sucks ass. But I so can't fathom working for someone else. I just can't. And when ever I try to steel myself and get over myself, the thought of all the corporate backstabbing just fills me with fear. I'd rather be hungry.

Maybe I'll lose some weight.

But ironically enough stress has done the complete opposite. BigMan took some pictures of me the other day and my face (which is huge to begin with) is the size of a dinner plate. It' s not cute. I must do something about that but it's going to be harder cuz I'm older...

My foot is healing but a portion of the scar has keloided which is annoying. And my foot is allover sore but in a good, healing kind of way. It's just annoying, the soreness. And I'm not crazy about the scar but the bump is gone. I like that.

I haven't figured out how to tell the Cricket off yet or even if it's worth it to do so...

I hate not writing every day...

I'm REALLY struggling with forgiveness and trust issues and whenever I think I can, I think I can't and then I worry I'm a hard-ass but I so have learned to trust my gut that my inclination is to trust my gut...

I am not organized....

BigMan is helping me with my website, which excites me...

...life is up and down, yinyang goodbadandugly...

but overall it's OK. It could be worse...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Subway Stories...

My little Pixi now takes video. Which is good cuz I've always wanted to tape the music I see in the subway.

So here's some clips:

This was the first one I got to tape, a doo wop group on 77th street.

video


A drummer and a guitarist got on the downtown IRT#6 train, and performed a rendition of Bob Marley's "Every little ting gonna be alright".

video

A Grievance is Bubbling...

with a former friend/flame... the Cricket to be exact. I'm a stickler for details. Even when I break promises--usually due to my just being unfocused and taking on too much... those broken promises haunt me. I try to make them right. Or at least I delude myself into thinking one day I'll make it right.

But they don't seem to haunt other people. And they don't seem to be bothering him.

Not sure what I'm going to do about it yet. But it's really starting to piss me off....

In other news...

The Diva is back to being dumb. I can't say I'm disappointed and I haven't given up hope that one day she'll live her life with some kind of sense, but right now the arrogance of youth and the lure of ghettofabulousless is really fucking with her intelligence, and today she pissed me off. Largely because her actions drew BigBear into a situation she shouldn't have been in. And then on top of it, BigBear is upset. And she shouldn't be.

Long story short, BigBear ended up punching the Diva's current BF in the eye.

Yeah you read that right. My 69-year old mother punched a 22 year old guy in the eye, and the funny thing is she's mad her TaiChi didn't work.

But she was also really upset by the events that led up the idiot fuck getting punched in the eye (and I told her, and the Diva, that had it been me, he STILL would have gotten punched in the eye--The ParentingPartner once threw something at me and I tried to scratch his eyes out), and the fact that afterwards the Idiotfuck decided to throw the Diva down on the ground and kicked her in the ribs.

And of course DivaBitch would rather sleep in her comfortable bed than leave. And then got mad at me cuz I told her (as she was rationalizing telling me what happened) that I didn't really give a shit what happened, but I needed to know what her plan was so I could know how I was going to help her.

She said she didn't have a plan, she didn't care. She may as well jump out the window. Woe is me.

I told her that wasn't a viable option since she had a son.

She still didn't care. What did I want from her, she screamed? I replied to start acting and thinking like a grown up. Then she started with the screaming and drama and woe-is-me shit and I hung up on her.

See, I went through it. I'd started to tell her she had my sympathy; I understand the shock, the horror, the embarrassment. I get it. It happens to a lot of folk; even folk who claim it will never happen to them. But I got over it. And yeah it took some time. And then I had another relationship AFTER that one that was also abusive. So I know it takes time. And I didn't grow up till I was 34. But no one that I knew had REALLY been through it or guided me through until I met my favorite lawyer.

But she's got folk. And a job. And really, a place to go. And while there was a lot of yelling and screaming before and supposedly no physical shit, the last time they had a tussle, the Diva and the IdiotFuck--he ripped her jacket and poured juice on her. It was raining and she was crying and he got nasty with me over the phone and if I'd known where he was I was going to get his ass thrown in jail. She said he hadn't hit her cuz I asked. But now he has. And it will happen again, cuz once that gate is opened and that monster let loose, that monster doesn't go back in. You let it out, you're stuck with it.

So I'm hoping she'll pull herself together pretty quickly and make a plan. But till that moment I got nothing to say, and HE can kiss my ass.

People are idiots.

My Sun went to Cali with his dad for a week. There was a time when that REALLY bothered me and I couldn't breathe till he came back... I miss him terribly and he only left yesterday, but my world is different and I trust his dad to care for him. I mean, SD has his idiotic moments but the spite is gone from our relationship, so I can breathe... but I miss him and he's eleven now, and I still go check him at night and cover him up and I forget I don't have to do that and its a little weird...

Safe travels, baby...

when he goes to college I'm really gonna miss him...