Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Another Week Flown By

....well it was when I started the post but now it's more than that.

....largely because two weekends ago I spent it dealing with SD...

....then I got hijacked for 36 hours or so last week by someone who I could easily spend more than 36 hours with...

...and then life just got in the way....

A long time ago, before blogging and Crackbook, I belonged (well I still belong but I hardly ever post there now) to a "Mom" group over on Yahoo groups. For about 6 years I poured my heart out over there. Just now I went back to try to find something I'd written, but I couldn't find it and instead found several posts about me and SD beginning our court battle in 2004.

Wow, but I was stressed. And he was really acting crazy. A far, far, cry from from SD's most recent visit. If you had told me then that life would be this way I would never have believed you.

But it has gotten steadily better since last May when the court case was settled. And during the visit I actually liked SD again. But I realized something... if ever two people should NOT have gotten together, it was me and him. And yet, we needed to, because we both needed our Sun to "become". Once upon a time, he yelled at me that I had no passion. Which at the time I didn't believe him, and I yelled back at him that he had no faith. And he didn't, in anything. No faith in God, or love, or people.

As time went on I began to suspect there was some truth to what he said, and during his visit I realized he was right. Well... sort of. The thing is I had plenty of passion but I was squelching it.

One of the passions I squelched was the passion to create. And then I got knocked up accidentally and found myself slowly dying because I wasn't following my passion. Because once the Sun made his way into my heart, he opened up my heart to a passionate love I had never allowed myself before. And that love grew to a need to love EVERYTHING passionately in my life, including what I did for a living.

SD had to learn how to have faith... faith that things could get better, that some people were capable of loving him, that his little boy would love him no matter what.

When we met, I was not following my passion. I worked at A&E fixing computers, and during the time I dated/fought with/broke up with /made up with/dated SD I made leaps to other companies for better titles and better pay. And while I made better money, every job took me further and further from what I wanted to be. It took the Sun to make me brave enough to quit the tech track and go to school because I wanted to be a better "me" for him. Which is what Poppy had said would happen... that having children made you want to be a better person.

But SD, with only a GED and and rage issues, had no job. The biggest issue with me being pregnant, as far as he was concerned, was that couldn't make the money I made to support us. He didn't understand how very much I hated it. He once made a comment about he couldn't just "take a day off" because he didn't make the money I made, and remarked it's "NOT like I want to... I HAVE to". So when I finally quit for good, I think it finally pushed him over the edge with me. He didn't understand the person I was allowing myself to be.

He brought it up during his visit... how he never understood why I quit. I know he suspects some involvement with the Cuban--my boss at the time. And he would be right. And I don't feel guilty about my involvement with the Cuban because in my heart my relationship with SD was dead in the water. But I will never tell SD about it. Unless of course he finds the blog. But in any event, the situation with the Cuban was only partially what made me quit... mostly I just hated that job, what I was doing, my life... my self even. And I told SD simply, when he asked... "I just couldn't do it another day."

And I couldn't. I remember the Cuban calling several times the night I quit, begging, urging, threatening me to come back... it would make people wonder what he did that I quit so suddenly (I didn't care), he offered more money (sounded good), he'd give me responsibilities and training (maybe). My rational mind was all set up to accept the new offer but when I opened my mouth my own voice answered back "No, I'm not coming back." I remember being completely shocked at myself. My head screaming at me to correct myself. But my voice said again, "no". And that was that.

And I realized during SD's visit one of the reasons I'm so comfortable with the Cricket is that he is as crazy as I am... his mind wanders in the same places, the same anxieties, clambers over the same obstacles. What this means as a future for us I can't say. I only know that for the first time in forever, I am very comfortable around a man when I'm in my "crazy." I have girlfriends who totally accept/maybe even love my crazy... but there hasn't been a man in forever who truly understood it.

So then last week I was hijacked for 36 hours. If I let myself I could have fallen in love completely and wholeheartedly, and as it was, for the time that I was hijacked I lived the moment. Then I got back to life. And I'm unsure again... not of him but what happens from here. I realize I don't trust men at all anymore. I know the way their mind works... and I know the way women want to interpret or read it. And I know the way it really is. So maybe I am holding back because my heart knows what the outcome will be, ultimately. But I enjoyed the hell out of those 36 hours for about 10 different reasons.

I know that certain things will definitely come to pass... it looks like the project we've been working on can really happen. On a much smaller scale for now, but doable. How that will affect anything else is hard to say.

If I have to move on and let go of him, the Cricket, I will... there will not be another BlackAugust. But you know, I'd really rather not.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Blogging Once A Week Now...

...and it sucks for me. I still think all the time, The Voices running around my head all the time. I probably spend too much time hiding in Crackbook. Crackbook is immediate gratification. But it's not that anonymous. It's like hiding in plain sight.

Plus it's not the medium for "deep thoughts". And I still have "deep thoughts" I just haven't been able to slow them down long enough to write them out.

The Sun has been off the last week and half, too. When he's home he sucks up a lot of energy. The older he gets the more energy he sucks up. Speaking of which... the little wisps of a 'stache on his upper lip are very apparent all of a sudden. His face is catching up to his eyes, so they don't seem quite so enormous anymore. And um... when I lived in Jamaica and had any number of cats running around and the occasional puppy, there would come a time when you would notice the animal's balls had dropped. This is beginning to happen in my house.

With that has come a surge of testosterone. He challenges me a little more... loudly. And if he's really smelling his balls that day he'll fling things in his room or slam the door. The other day he acted out so bad in front of the Moon, I sent the Moon home. I then went into the Sun's room with the intention of whaling on his ass, and I looked in his eyes and could see he expected me too. So I decided not to, and took away his Nintendo DS instead. I don't think it's enough of a punishment, although I gave him about a weeks worth of disapproving looks and a few lectures on top of it. But I couldn't think of anything else. Plus, I knew his father was coming in.

SD and I are still getting along. I'm still wary. On Sundays the Sun and his dad do a webcam conference. Last Sunday was Easter, which passed us with no fanfare whatever seeing as how we don't keep it. But we decided to go over with ShoeFly and WhiteClogs to go to ShoeFly's BigSis' house for dinner. That lady can cook. But we weren't driving so it took us forever to get there on public transportation. And it was going to take forever to get back, because of holiday traffic out on the Rock. SD texted me about something, and I realized then we weren't going to make the 8P webcam. When I told him, he got testy. My rational mind knew he was testy cuz it was Easter, and he wasn't with family. But the rest of me got my hackles up because I recognized the "tone" in the texts. That night he sent me an email very reminiscent of emails gotten in the past. And while I didn't go "off" like I would have last year this time, I came close. I sent him a sort of snippy email.

But instead of coming back at me with a nastier one, SD called me. And we actually had a discussion. That came to a resolution. And we hung up, our peace intact.

He came in today, to see the Sun. He'd taken the redeye in from Cali and got to our house about 10A. We all went to breakfast. Then he and the Sun went to visit Poppy and go to Toys R Us, but then SD called, wanting to know if he could take a quick nap since he was crashing from the flight. In theory I didn't mind, but my mind wen through all sort of contortions. But I let him. And when he came back with the Sun, he went into the Sun's room without even asking.

But then again... SD always knew where boundaries were. The problem was he would choose to ignore them. But now, he's not ignoring them. I looked at him today, while we were at breakfast, and I realized that there will always be a connection, because of the Sun. And I don't mind being around him for little bits of time, and I'm awful glad he's big enough and strong enough to handle the Sun. But I could never reconcile. There is no desire. At all. And it reminded me that I do desire someone else...

He took us to karate, the Sun and I. And then he brought us home. The Sun will stay overnight with him tomorrow and the next day...

But the biggest news of all is that the hospital rehab is kicking Poppy out. He can come home. He will go to stay with the Professor for a while. I could tell that it's stressing her. I feel badly... but there really isn't anyway it could work if he came out here. I'm just too far.

I'm tired. I have several projects I'm trying to do and not getting far in any of them. I've got to go to bed... my allergies are kicking my as...

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Downside... living life out loud is you can lose your anonymity. It's not like I'm famous or anything, though I confess to being a legend in my own mind. But people do read the blog. Most don't... but folks do check on me.

Hey, I just realized my blog is now two years old, as of yesterday. I actually meant to write yesterday, but it kind of gets back to what I was just saying.

I started writing to give the Voices a place to vent. They were making me nuts. I had a job back then... was making some money in my career and bills were pretty much paid and pretty much on time, I was at war with SD (then known as IFKALP) and life was OK. Well except for the love life.

So since then I've made peace with SD, have had no job for over a year, NOTHING.... and I do mean NOTHING is paid (except for the Internet and the lights cuz those things I refuse to live without) and I gotta say... generally I'm happier. And I've actually developed some semblance of a love life. Well... a sex life. The love thing I'm working on. Last spring I though I'd found love but Black August proved otherwise, and since then I've been EXTREMELY cautious.

But then I had a strange realization the other day and that is that the Fabulous and I have been in fairly constant contact of some sort since the end of August. And ick but I've come to depend on it... like in a huge way. In my head I've re-named him "JiminyCricket"cuz of the fairly regular buzzing in my pocket that accompanies text messages. Ideas feel better when I run them past him. And the occasional time spent with him is always time well spent and goes by way too fast... but I have lost all confidence in my ability to build or maintain any kind of a relationship with anybody, I realize. And my life is such a shambles right now that I would feel horribly guilty trying to make a relationship with anybody... but with him most of all. Early on, we had talked about the pain of caring for someone... of bringing someone to flower only to have them discover inner strength and leave you. I had promised myself then and there that whatever major issues I had--and there are a few--I would resolve them before I got involved with him because it didn't seem fair to do it that to him again... and I'm a needy bitch right now. Not that I would heal and then leave... but he might think so. So I've tried to keep my needs under wraps and take care of them myself. But everyone needs someone...

And resolving issues takes time... especially financial ones and I'm beginning to stress about time passing. I think the idea of "time passing" is generally something that stresses women out way more than it stresses men... as BigBear once pointed out, women posses a clock that is fairly regular at marking time--our menstrual cycles. At some point, somewhere in the neighborhood of 28-35 days you will realize another month has gone by.

It could very well be that my need for him is one-sided. It could be that I'm only used to him being around. I dunno. But I'm not digging the idea of taking too much time to resolve my shit and look up to find him otherwise occupied.

So then I wonder about others I have met recently, come into contact with. And enjoy a friendship with. But it's getting to the point where--as rare as my free time is and as hard as it is to come by--I'd rather spend it with JiminyCricket than with anyone else. And this really distresses me cuz I'm not sure what this means. I find myself wanting to do the chick thing and "talk" but knowing guys like I do...ugh. It's not something guys do well at all. Or want to.

Occasionally I write him to let him know where I'm at, and I don't ask that he answer, and generally I feel better doing it and generally his response is pretty reassuring... simply that he read it, and he understands. And usually I'm good with that. But then I start to wonder again...

I think what I like about him is he isn't floored by me. He gets me... he follows my reasoning and he can spot where I get stuck, but he just kind of makes note of it and rolls along. This works for me. And the thought of not having that, well... it's stressing me. But at the moment it's not really something I feel comfortable pushing. My brain tells me "let it be... let it rest". But my heart tends to the histrionic.

So I haven't wanted to write cuz now people know but whatever. It's beginning to make me a little nuts and it's got to come out.

Though there are MUCH larger and more important issues I need to address... like bills. And a job. Or at least the ability to bring in income. I quit the factory job the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. In a conversation with JiminyCricket we were weighing the pros and cons of doing part time or full time jobs that help you while you get your own creative thing going. But his two part time jobs actually relate to his artistic talent. Mine... the pros to the factory gig were that I remembered that I knew how to sew, I got introduced to the concept of stress factors in fabric, I got introduced to modern fabrics that are designed to withstand stress, and I learned my way around a power machine.

But the factory mentality I just couldn't get into. The worker bees work... but they also practice time-shaving techniques and are prone to gossip. The supervisor bees work, but they also tend to want to keep track of and correct the worker bees and monitor the time-shaving. And they are also prone to gossip. If you hang out with the worker bees you come under scrutiny by the supervisor bees (which pisses me the hell off) and if you fraternize with the supervisor bees the worker bees--with whom you spend more time--regard you with suspicion. My answer was just to put on my headphones and not talk to anybody. But that gets a little lonely. Added to the fact that every hour I spent sewing, my mind was beating me up about the time I could have spent doing something else making twice as much money and it severely depressed me.

I'd been out the last two weeks while Poppy's health issues manifested themselves. I couldn't deal with that that AND the factory. And last Monday I found it was way too easy--despite desperately needing some chump change--to call in sick in favor of spending time with JiminyCricket. So Tuesday I quit. But I left it open... maybe when it's warmer and things settle down I can tolerate the thought of going back. But I doubt it.

So speaking of Poppy... health-wise he's 1,000 times better. They're working him with physical and occupational therapy, and generally he's done extraordinarily well. But I'm kind worried about the percoset dependence. I don't like it. At all. I don't think he's in as much physical pain as he was before... matter of fact I know he's not cuz even with one leg he's moving around a lot better than he was moving around with two. And I'm glad he's not in pain but the stuff makes him a little loopy at times and that distresses me. But... I guess he deserves it. What the hell do I know. I have two legs. I suppose it's me wanting things to be somewhat normal.

We're all still in la-la land really, because he's still in rehab. The real test will be when they kick him out, maybe in a week or so... and that's when we'll realize how very different things are.

SD is coming next week to spend time with the Sun. We had discussed a deal where he pays me a lump sum in advance, in exchange for reducing his weekly payments. It will help pay rent. It will also be money I don't have to pay back. Who would have ever thought that SD would be the one to bail me out. And while I'm grateful.... I just don't want him to think we're gonna get back together. Though I don't think he does. He had said to me way early in our relationship that he never wanted to marry.... and I wonder if our situation worked out for the best for both of us...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Don't Feel Well...

and so I'm going to attempt to go to bed early (-er than normal). I have pictures to post, things to work on, my desk to clean... the usual. Ain't gonna get done tonight.

My Poppy is doing OK... yesterday he hit the wall and was feeling low. I'd heard he wanted to skip out on some of his PT and the Professor wanted me to call him. I waited a little bit; I hate when the women in the family gang up on each other, but when I did call him I told him I was the "nice daughter" but that I was gonna tell him what I tell my kid when he cries about going to karate... "Man up! Suck it up and stop crying!" Only I hope I told him nicer than that... because I AM understanding and Lord do I know what it feels like to hit the wall.

He called me back later to tell me that since I'd been "cross" with him, he wanted me to know he went back and did a little more work. And I heard today he was feeling quite pleased with himself.

This journey's gonna be hard for all of us, at varying times... but we've made it through other things... we're gonna lick this too.

Well.. head's pounding and body aches so I'm out...